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In school we study math, chemistry, biology, but no one teaches us about relationships. There is no subject “How to Avoid Being a Bad Partner” or “A Crash Course in Finding Happy Love.”
Literary stories in which relationships bring pleasure to partners and make the connection happy and peaceful do not sell well and do not look as dramatic on screen and in books. This is why we often confuse “love” with toxic behavior and adopt toxic habits that destroy relationships.
Here are habits that seem normal in our society, but can actually destroy relationships:
Expecting your partner to “fix” your emotional disorder
How many times have you fought because your partner wasn't there for you in your time of need or didn't empathize enough with your bad day? Have you built up resentment because your loved one didn't show emotions the way you "should"? And while it's important to support your loved one, there's a big difference between support and emotional commitment. You should complement each other without feeling dependent on each other.
You can simply ask your partner, “I’m having a hard time doing this on my own—can you help me get through this?” The key word is ask. You can be vocal about how you want your partner to show up in this support. Take responsibility for your emotions without expecting others to take responsibility for your emotional state.
To conduct relationships on the principle of “you to me — I to you”
Fairness and balance are two wonderful qualities, but sometimes in a relationship they can feel a lot like keeping score. If you find yourself mentally tallying up the efforts your partner is making and how they compare to the efforts you are making, or if one of you responds to an insult by bringing up past arguments, it means that one or both of you are more focused on scoring points than on maintaining a happy relationship. Relationships shouldn’t involve a “you-me-me-you” system that keeps track of who made the biggest mistake or who owes more.
Relationships don’t have to be “fair and honest” to be good. If you live together, you don’t have to share household chores equally (e.g., “I cooked, so you have to do the dishes” or “I walked the dog yesterday, so you have to do that today”). Instead, offer your partner exactly what he or she enjoys doing. Take on the things your partner really doesn’t enjoy. And vice versa. Think about what makes sense for each of you, not what is “fair” and what is not. And treat each problem or disagreement as a brand new one, without bringing up the past, bringing up old grievances, or comparing it to what it used to be.
Believing that your partner is your “other half”
The biggest mistake is to believe that someone has to “complete” you. No one can live a fulfilling life believing that they need another person to be completely happy or to solve all their problems. This thinking can lead to toxic dynamics such as codependency, insecurity, and controlling behavior.
See your partner as someone who enriches and complements your already full, happy life. Focus more on yourself than on the relationship, and find what makes you happy so you can share your joy and accomplishments with your loved one.
Believing that violent conflict = passion
We all laughed and cried during the cult drama “The Diary of a Wimpy Kid,” where heated arguments turned into equally passionate sex scenes. But the “passion” that leads to constant fighting or screaming always hides deep problems, such as immaturity, communication difficulties, and sometimes narcissism, psychopathy, and a desire for control. Regardless of what causes constant arguments, it leads to unstable relationships, which ultimately leads to burnout. The truth is that love should be gentle and calm. Emotional swings have never helped anyone. Everything is good when you feel pleasure more often, and not irritation or anger.
Change the way you approach problems. Think of the problem as something that is against the two of you, rather than something that you are currently fighting against each other. Also, focus on your partner’s emotions, not their words, because in moments of anger and frustration, we can say too much. Cultivate the qualities in your relationship and your partner that have nothing to do with “passion”—kindness, support, shared values and interests, etc. If your relationship is still more passion and conflict than a sense of security, safety, and selfless support, just keep in mind that no relationship can last a lifetime on passion alone.
Evaluating your partner too categorically
Instead of saying, “What you said was not very nice and hurt me,” you say, “I could never be with someone who says such horrible things!” Instead of saying, “Your reaction to what I said made me feel unheard,” you say, “You are ignoring my feelings! I deserve someone who listens to me and cares about my feelings!” Sound familiar? This reaction is the result of expectations based on your own “ideals” that actually have nothing to do with your partner. In general, stop demanding too much from your loved one and accept them for who they are.
Focus solely on the problem, not your partner's actions. Talk about your feelings, about why you're hurt, not about being disappointed.
Making hints and suggestions instead of speaking directly
For example, you borrowed your partner’s laptop and “accidentally” left a page in your browser with a certain pair of sneakers you’ve been dreaming about, or you accidentally “thought out loud”—“I’ve always loved ballet, but I haven’t been to the theater in a while!”—hoping that your boyfriend or husband would take the hint and give you what you want. Such hints can be toxic and destructive. These hints mean that one (or both) of you is trying to push the other to get what he or she wants, instead of just saying it. If you can’t openly express your feelings or desires (“I want you to compliment me more,” or “I want to try something new in bed”), it shows that your communication as a couple needs some work. Because if you know that your feelings are being treated with respect and without judgment, you have no reason to be passive-aggressive.
You need to be open about your feelings, wants, and needs, because no one can read other people's minds. Make it clear that your partner is not obligated to meet your needs; rather, you appreciate any effort and support, and don't judge if your loved one is not receptive to what you are telling them.
Believing in “soul mates”
Another belief that makes girls believe in prince charming ever since they first watched Cinderella or Twilight. What’s the problem with this myth? You can spend your whole life searching for the perfect partner. This doesn’t mean you won’t find the one who’s right for you, but you can’t expect everything from your lover at once. Or expect someone to love you madly, like in a movie, no matter what you do or how you behave. Each of us loves differently and shows our feelings differently. Some talk about love, others are silent, but prove it with actions. For some, love is flowers and gifts, for others, it’s ordinary touches and hugs every day. Study each other, get to know each other, look for common ground and what conquers and fascinates you in your partner.
Think of your relationship as your own choice, not “fate.” Instead of asking yourself if your partner is “perfect,” ask yourself if you want your children to be like them. And stop looking for someone who will “complete” you, and instead find someone who will love you for who you are. Trust me, it’s more romantic than passionate arguments and stormy reconciliations.
