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Married life is not a constant, it is a process of communication with the experience of the entire spectrum of human emotions.
And many couples with experience of married life, already immersed in close everyday interaction, experience negative emotions of varying intensity, not noticing that in many cases they are triggered by existing erroneous information processing strategies based on mind reading, catastrophizing, devaluation and the use of labels, as well as obligations.
One of the most common causes of anger in marriage is unhealthy communication, based on the cognitive distortion of "mind reading," in which partners, on the one hand, say things they don't mean, with the implication "you should guess," and on the other hand, they interpret their partner's words in a semantic vector that is far removed from the original phrase.
Such a communication strategy leads to obvious dissatisfaction with the marriage itself, because it does not allow one to test the validity of one's thoughts in practice, does not provide the opportunity to communicate through direct questions, and does not allow for discussion of alternative options.
In this case, the couple is trapped in their expectations and disappointments related to their partner.
Another serious factor in the emergence of irrational negative emotions and, in particular, anger is the cognitive distortion of “obligations”, based on unfounded personal illusory expectations of words, deeds, actions, reactions from a partner in everyday life. The discrepancy between a living spontaneous person and the ideal glossy picture you have invented is a trigger for irrational anger.
Labels given to a partner based on a single incident hang like a sword of Damocles over comfortable communication, triggering anger between a man and a woman.
Conflict situations can arise in any married couple. And it is important not to become aggressive in the heat of the discussion, recalling matters from long ago, expanding claims to a global scale, but to stay within the discussion of a specific event, expressing your emotions, not devaluing your partner's feelings, and using credible arguments.
A technique that works well to neutralize the potentially destructive effect of anger is to recognize the emotion, name it, and talk about your feelings. This approach allows you to talk about it in an ecological way rather than expressing it in its pure form.
Quite often, partners are held captive by conflicting opinions regarding marriage. Try writing them down in a column. Reread and analyze — how feasible these requirements can be and do they not conflict with each other? Can a real person meet them? Track which beliefs make you angry and conduct a debate yourself. When did this belief appear? Who broadcast it? Can it be viewed critically? Are there people who do not think this way? What is the possible categorical nature of the belief based on? What will happen if I revise it? What might it look like in an updated format?
We cannot discount the fact that married life is a tango for two, and with a change in the mindset of one partner, the entire picture of the relationship changes.
(Naturally, in the presence of physical or destructive emotional violence, the right option would be to stop the actions of this destructive cell of society.) The ability to move from a position of confrontation to a plane of dialogue to make an adequate decision automatically makes you allies.
Don't forget that lack of rest and health problems can lead to increased sensitivity and irritability. Sleep, nutrition, exercise, massage, relaxation activities, hobbies, work-life balance also make a tangible contribution to our emotional well-being and interaction with others.
