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According to statistics, up to 39% of marriages end in divorce. Many romances that began with confessions of eternal love fail, leaving behind bitterness and resentment. Why can't you build a happy relationship? The reason is often harmful emotional habits. Check if you have them.
Jumping to conclusions
Do you think you know what your partner is thinking and feeling? You attribute your thoughts and feelings to them based on prejudices rather than facts. For example, you say, “You obviously didn’t like my dress, since you’re not saying anything” or “You’re angry because I’m late.” Check the facts before jumping to conclusions. Ask your partner, “Do you like my dress?” or “Are you angry with me for being late?”
Catastrophic predictions
You assume the worst possible outcome without any evidence. Even when the facts contradict the negative scenario, you continue to insist that everything will end badly. Stop and ask yourself, “Where is the evidence?” Ask your partner how they view the situation. They may have a more positive and hopeful perspective.
All or nothing thinking
You see life in black and white, not noticing shades and halftones. You criticize your partner’s habits or behavior using the words “always” and “never”: “you always put dirty dishes in the sink instead of washing them” or “you never listen to me when I try to reach you.” Be more careful with the words: “always,” “everything,” “never,” “nothing,” etc. Replace them with the phrase: “When you… I feel…”, for example: “when you leave dirty dishes in the sink, I feel that my requests have no meaning to you.”
Label
Labels are meant for cans and boxes, but we often apply them to our partner, for example: “You’re selfish,” “and you’re lazy.” When your partner makes a mistake, you act as if it were theirs — one big misunderstanding: “You’re such an idiot!”
Try to be more forgiving. Everyone makes mistakes and fails. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements, such as, “I don’t like the way we’re talking to each other. Let’s take a break and come back to the conversation when we’re calmer.” When you refer to your own feelings (“I” statements”) instead of pointing fingers (“you” statements), it relieves tension and encourages open dialogue.
Accusation
You blame your partner for all the sins, ignoring your own contribution to the problem, for example: “I did as you said and talked to the nanny, and now she’s quitting. It’s all your fault!” Ask yourself if you’re blaming the other person for something you’re partly responsible for. Be willing to admit your own part of the blame: “We had a mutual idea to talk to the nanny about leaving the baby unattended. If she didn’t like it enough to decide to leave, at least we have the same views on safety.”
Pessimism
You discount all the positive aspects of your relationship, remembering only the bad. You belittle your partner's achievements and positive qualities, focusing on the negative. You attribute your partner's success to a lucky chance: "yes, you got a promotion, but you were just lucky." This habit poisons close relationships. Learn to see not only the minuses, but also the pluses. Try to see an opportunity in any problem. Rejoice in your partner's successes, encourage and inspire him.
Order
Don’t turn into a strict dad or mom. Don’t tell your partners what to do and how to do it. Don’t say, “Keep your phone on so I can make a call.” It’s better to phrase your concern as a question: “Would you mind leaving your phone on if I need to make an urgent call?”
Perfectionism
You want everything to be perfect, so you set sky-high standards for yourself and your partner. Your partner constantly feels like a failure because you focus on their shortcomings: “You have to get a promotion or our marriage will fall apart.” Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Look at the situation objectively: “I’ll be there for you whether you get a promotion or not.”
Sense of duty
Constant pressure (“you have to,” “it’s your duty,” etc.) makes your partner feel guilty: “you have to come home earlier to help me with the kids,” “you should spend more time with me.” Instead, replace them with encouraging phrases and show compassion: “I wish we could communicate more” or “even though it’s hard for us right now, we’re a team and we’ll get through this.”
Emotional considerations
You judge your partner and the relationship based on how you feel, forgetting about the facts. For example: “I feel some kind of hopelessness, so it’s over between us” or “if you loved me, you would go to a psychologist, but you don’t want to, so you don’t care.”
First, acknowledge your feelings. Then, try to separate emotions from facts to determine how accurate your conclusions are: “Yes, sometimes things seem hopeless to me, but that doesn’t mean our marriage is doomed. There are steps we can take to make it better” or “Even though you haven’t gone to therapy, you’re showing your love in other ways.”
Kindness, care, and generosity are the best medicine that can save even hopeless relationships. They relieve tension, creating a foundation for mutual cooperation and love.
