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Turn on healthy selfishness and don't try to raise your self-esteem at the expense of other people's approval.
Sometimes we do things we don't want to do in order not to upset others. Some people are so good at pleasing others that they don't even understand why they feel uncomfortable. After all, they have long stopped paying attention to their own needs.
The reason for this behavior is simple: we all want to be liked, we expect approval, love and care. But the cause of the problem is low self-esteem. It is this that prompts us to perform energy-consuming, uncharacteristic actions, giving up our own comfort in favor of the comfort of other people.
These five steps will help you deal with this.
Allow yourself to be yourself.
If you're invited to a football game and you hate sports but agree because it could strengthen your friendship or romantic bond, you're doing yourself a disservice. Be honest with yourself and the person inviting you. Admit (to yourself first) that you don't like the idea. Pretending and wanting to do something nice will only hurt you in the long run.
It's okay to be yourself. There are no perfect people, and you are no exception. But your flaws make you unique. Stay true to your thoughts and emotions. Live your life.
Stop judging yourself through the prism of public opinion.
Almost everyone is familiar with the fear of public speaking. Most people feel insecure when going on stage because they care more about what the audience thinks of them than about the message they want to convey.
In our search for approval from others, we become their hostages. While we cannot control their feelings, thoughts, and actions, we are fully responsible for our own.
Do what you can and how you can, improving yourself every day. Feel love and approval for yourself - you don't need other people to do this. You can't please everyone, no matter how hard you try. Other people's opinion of you is just their perception, filtered through their own expectations and prejudices. You are wonderful and worthy of happiness not because others think so, but because one day you decided to believe it.
Set appropriate boundaries with the outside world
One of the most difficult things on the path to inner independence is the ability to say “no” to what you really don’t want to do without feeling selfish, guilty, or overly concerned about the other person’s reaction.
Realize that you are saying “no” to a task or an offer, not to a person. You can’t really disappoint anyone. People get disappointed in their own expectations of you. And that is their responsibility, not yours.
When you agree or reject a request that makes you uncomfortable, you shape the attitude of others towards you. And you decide whether to allow someone to take advantage of you. And you take it upon yourself to entertain people and make them happy.
Every time you give time to others, you give them a part of your life. So spend your precious time with people who support you and accept you for who you are. Setting boundaries in relationships may seem selfish. In fact, it is a form of self-respect and self-care.
Learn to speak confidently
Sometimes it's hard to say "no" simply because you don't know how to express yourself clearly and confidently. And you're afraid that it might sound aggressive or impolite. Learn to say no without offending anyone.
Here are some simple phrases to start with:
“Right now (this week, this month) I can’t do it.”
“I have a lot of other things to do right now.”
“Thanks for the invitation, but I can’t at this time.”
“I won’t be able to go with you, but then be sure to tell me how it all happened.”
“Maybe next time. I’ll wait for the invitation next week.”
“Sounds great, but no thanks.”
Become your own best friend.
Stop expecting other people to make you happy and guess your needs and desires. Make yourself a priority. Do what brings you joy.
Loving yourself as a person is not selfish, but a necessity. Get rid of negative statements about yourself: “I’m stupid,” “I’m too fat,” “I’m a failure.” Treat yourself with dignity and respect. Then external approval will become an organic addition, not a goal.
Just realize that the only person who is always present in your life—day and night, year after year—is yourself. And when you are in harmony with yourself, you don’t need other people to fill the holes in your own self-esteem.
