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Yesterday morning my son woke up too late, took too long in the bathroom and then asked me to make him sandwiches for school.
"No, my friend." Do you know why? Because nagging mom tried to get him to do it last night and it went something like this:
- Make sandwiches for school tomorrow.
"I'll do it in the morning," he answered.
- We have already tried, as a result, everything falls out of your hands. You are too nervous. Therefore, it is better to make sandwiches in the evening.
But he didn't. And I didn't remind anymore.
I believe that hunger is more effective than grumbling. More natural. So when he started nagging me to make him sandwiches in the morning, I refused!
Of course, it was difficult for me to refuse him, but if my children are not able to follow the rules, it is not my responsibility to adapt to them. If I don't follow the rules, then these are no longer "rules", but "recommendations". And this will not end well. It will not be easier for anyone if I constantly bail out my children. It is better for them to learn these lessons now, when the consequences are not so significant and more bearable.
It's not easy to send a child to school knowing that he only managed to eat an apple and a cereal bar, when I could very well make him sandwiches to go - but you know what? It was the first and last time he forgot to bring food. Now he prepares food for tomorrow after dinner every night.
Because rules work, and we both learned that lesson the hard way.
After all, there was a time when I couldn't resist making him sandwiches. There was a time when I took care of my children in every possible way. There was a time when my feet were wiped, and that gives me the right to look back, and then to climb on a stool and proclaim: believe me, there is nothing good in living with ungrateful brutes, whom you yourselves have raised under your care.
Do you think they don't take offense at me? They are offended.
Do you think I will never feel guilty? Bites.
But they appreciate me much more, realizing that I am not at all obliged to arrange a beautiful life for them.
Of course, I still think they don't appreciate me enough (moms will understand), but the fact that they don't depend on me for every little thing - now they do a lot more on their own - makes us all happy.
My children are not perfect, but I am not perfect either. Everyone has sins, but they know that if they don't follow the rules, clean up after themselves and treat me with respect, then I won't do some things either. Let's say, buy them sneakers "that everyone is wearing now."
We are a team, so we have to work together. I will help them if they help themselves. And if they see that I am struggling and come to help, it never goes unnoticed. But if I make serious efforts for them, I expect gratitude and respect in return.
We value what we work hard for. We respect those who push us to self-development (or to the bread box to make ourselves a sandwich). Independence is dignity.
When children do things themselves, it increases their self-esteem and makes them aware of their skills. Of course, sometimes they roll their eyes, but deep down they are pleased.
It's hard to watch your children grow up and change your parenting approach from comprehensive care to encouraging independence. I didn't always succeed - let's be honest, it's much easier for me to clean the bathroom myself than to endure half an hour of swearing and whining while they do it themselves - but when no one appreciates you for weeks or months, at some point an epiphany comes and you understand that it cannot continue like this.
You realize that you are also responsible for it, and you change. You pound your fist on the table. You say: "No, I can't, but you can do it yourself."
And after a lot of efforts and arguments, you finally have some time to sit on Facebook or go out for coffee with a friend, because you have lightened your physical and mental workload, and your children are learning the art of gratitude. And it's damn nice.
