69
They say that happiness comes to the family with the arrival of a child, and they also say that children teach adults to love truly. Well... just half a year ago, I would have argued with that. Constant whining and shouting, toys scattered everywhere, painted wallpaper, a crippled cat, a neighbor driven to a nervous tic — what happiness there is, it was a disaster! The child drove us to hysterics: I don't want this, I won't, buy a chocolate bar, turn on a cartoon, I'll do it myself and smash everything to hell. At some point, I decided that I was the worst mother in the world: we couldn't get together in the kindergarten without shouting and whims, couldn't eat breakfast without scattering crumbs everywhere, couldn't go for a walk and not have another fight there.
Polya ignored my calls to behave like an adult, undermined authority with foolishness, prevented me from working, communicating with my husband, even prevented me from sleeping. At one point, I realized with horror that I was tired of her presence, of eternal whims, scattered laundry, bitten sweets in a vase and calls to kindergarten. It was necessary to change something, to behave differently, to stop breaking down. But how?
After sifting through mountains of psychological literature, I learned that it is important for parents to learn to set boundaries and "actively listen" to the child. And how to do it, if a trifle drives you to the pen and respects only kickers? I fought with her, I fought until I realized that it was not her, but me! All this dissatisfaction, anger - you had to work with yourself and your condition, then the child will change. As soon as I stopped venting my irritation on her, as soon as I looked at the world through her eyes, then our relationship warmed up.
So I came up with a new method of dealing with irritation - if I feel a rush of anger, I immediately stop and ask myself the question: what was the root cause? It turned out that the child is not always to blame. Here's what I found out.
If the child does not understand, then the parents are not explaining well
You can constantly grab the belt and demand obedience, except for fear and tears, you will not achieve anything. Understand, the child wants to be good, he just does not understand the essence of the request, you do not explain well. For example, I often yelled at my daughter for taking a long time to get ready, delaying me and the teacher. At some point, I decided to change tactics: "If you get together in 5 minutes, we'll have time to play the classics on the way to kindergarten!" And you will not believe how quickly the daughter rushed to put on the sandals. Then I began to turn into a game: "who will brush their teeth faster", "who will make the bed more neatly", "cosmonaut food", "constructor inspector" and other tricks. Now our mood is almost always high.
Mom is aggressive when she is tired or sick
Imagine the picture: you have to get up early in the morning, feed everyone, and try not to be late for kindergarten or work. Then running around after customers, quarrels with performers, so that I never even eat. In the evening, you rush to the supermarket, a folder with documents under your arm, grocery bags in your hands. You think about a long-term repair, and then your own child climbs on your neck because he was "bored". I used to break down, considering Paula to be an awl in one place. And then I realized: the child has nothing to do with it, I'm just tired, my head hurts and the builders messed up again. You don't need to shout, you need to ask for a couple of minutes of silence and explain to the child that your irritation is not his fault, it's "mommy is tired".
Irritation should be directed at the culprit
It also happens that at work the superiors start, you come home and lose your temper with the child. Or the man will let you down with an important request. At that moment, Polina appears and starts tossing sweets at me, and I shout out of habit: "don't get lost under your feet", "stop getting me", "go to your room". But now the realization has come: it is better to pour irritation on the person who caused it. This will be a good reason to deal with responsibilities in the family, put an end to a long conflict with parents, etc. The child really has nothing to do with it.
Sometimes we are not angry with the children, but with ourselves
In psychology, this mechanism of the psyche is called "transference", when we transfer anger from ourselves to someone else. Before, I didn't notice how I was doing it, everything happened automatically: I don't get along with my husband, I don't fit into my favorite dress, I broke an expensive phone - and then a child pulls me, saying, can I go outside? You can imagine how she got on. Then I began to realize that Polina came with an ordinary question, but not in time. In order not to transfer aggression to the child, I began to warn her: "Mom is aggressive now, and it's not because of you, but because of the situation. Give me time to leave." By the way, the child always respects this request, playing with toys more quietly than mice.
The effect of residual childhood memories
The last discovery for me was that our childhood impressions are transferred into adult life and affect the perception of the situation. Yes, I hated going shopping with my daughter, she always behaved disgustingly, I would break down, she would cry. At first, I thought it was normal, I thought it happened to everyone. And then it turned out that it was not. And I began to dig deeper: what is the reason for my dissatisfaction? With horror, I remembered what torture shopping trips were for me as a child. My mother constantly scolded me: "don't shake your leg", "behave decently", "stop shaming me", "don't cry". I transferred the same attitude to my daughter, forgetting my own feelings. This memory helped me to understand Polina, instead of being irritated, I felt sympathy for her. Although the child did not stop fooling around...
You ask me, what is the use of such introspection? And I will say: as soon as you deal with your resentment and irritation, the child will turn from an eternal enemy into an ally. You will stop punishing yourself for disruptions, you will begin to better understand your emotions, monitor reactions, teach your own child this. And when mom is in harmony with herself, everyone is happy!
